taking a break from being a woman in cycling

5 minute read

I have cycled for as long as I can remember. My first bike was a boy’s Raleigh Raptor as I didn’t like that all the bikes for girls were pink, and I liked dinosaurs.

I should have known it would be downhill from there.

I moved back to my home city of Derby in 2019 to start a new role in the cycling sector. As the move took a while, the guy who was the second choice did my job until I was able to. In my handover meeting, when we pondered over the organisation’s decision to appoint me he suggested that I only got the job because I am a woman and I tick a box. I naively hoped this was an isolated comment so I did what I know now to be the default response – ignored it and carried on as normal.

But it stuck with me and it turns out it was only the beginning of two years of relentlessly unacceptable behaviour. Whether it was casual jokes about people of colour, or shouting in meetings at the idea of spending £30 out of £3000 club reserves on biscuits for a female only event, it was considered normal and the men responsible just carried on, supported by the protective shield of their peers.

I learned to brace myself for each meeting. Get ready for the inevitable. I started to make notes and collate evidence – emails, phone calls, screenshots and those unwelcome evening text messages. I thought that would mean I’d have to be believed. I have spent countless hours compiling comprehensive formal complaints, many to national cycling organisations and charities. But there was always an excuse.

He is going on a much-earned holiday in the next few days and will be away for about a couple of weeks so if it’s okay with you we will pick this up with him on his return.

I won’t feel like I can just relax and let my guard down and not worry about what might come out of my mouth.

Then things got more serious as it became clear that the DARVO approach (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) was their way forward. Earlier this year, even though the organisation I worked for supprted me, I ended up having to give up my job and receiving threats of legal action for speaking up, including just hours after my elderly grandmother passed away. I had informed the leading walking & cycling charity that I was looking after her in her final few days in the vain hope they would give me some space to grieve. I was foolish to think they cared.

Fighting these battles is stressful and exhausting for anyone, but I identify as disabled and have chronic energy limiting health conditions. Over the past two years, my conditions have exacerbated to the point of more regular relapses and medical professionals sternly telling me to stop engaging in these battles. I have realised that the fancy equality, diversity and inclusion policies that these organisations share their favourite snippets from for occasions like International Women’s Day and Black History Month are just meaningless words. It doesn’t matter if I have multiple protected characteristics they apparently ‘welcome and include’. When it comes down to it, it is about protecting the men, and their reputation, no matter what the cost.

I didn’t want to give up on my passion for cycling, so I again naively thought that a way to remove myself from these draining working environments was to set up my own cycling organisation and address the issues and behaviour from outside the system.

Despite some initial support, a few months in I found myself blocked on all social media platforms via my personal profile and Spoke Out by almost all local cycling organisations and their male employees. I don’t know why I was expecting anything other than the default response.

I have now been running Spoke Out on a voluntary basis for nearly a year. It has been hugely rewarding, but also challenging. Knowing that my male counterparts enjoy generous salaries for attending meetings where this behaviour is acceptable and where they proudly design and defend infrastructure and programmes for their peers makes me both sad, and angry. They even publicly reflect on how great these all white middle aged male meetings are. I recommended this tool to DC.

Jobs have come and gone in Derby’s cycling sector that I would have loved to do, both in terms of experience and for much needed income, but I am now too scared of the men I’d have to work with. To be fair, I think they are also scared of me but it is a different kind of fear. It is a case of my truth vs their power, control and intimidation. Sadly I already know that the latter prevails.

Yet, we are seeing a boom in women’s cycling. Recent statistics show cycling trips made by women rose by 50% in 2020. You would think our male led and predominantly male staffed cycling organisations would be clamouring at the opportunity to maintain this momentum and to engage with us.

But we are still undervalued and excluded in favour of their perspective of our views and needs.

And the battle continues when we cycle. At elite level, we receive less prize money, less television coverage, fewer races. On a day to day basis these harrowing and upsetting accounts shared via Everyday Sexism, and more recently via this Twitter thread are testament to what we face simply because of who we are.

I am not sharing these experiences for sympathy. In fact if experience is anything to go by this blog will no doubt induce more backlash and legal threats, but we must continue to raise awareness of this reality in order for it to change. I refuse to ignore and accept this behaviour even if doing so is to the detriment of my wellbeing and when so many others have sacrificed much more for much longer, and face much greater injustices.

To many it may seem trivial, but it all contributes to maintaining and upholding the patriarchal status quo, within cycling and our wider society. When I made a complaint to one leading cycling organisation, I was told that they were seeing more issues of a similar nature. I reflected on what we are doing as a sector to address these inequalities and injustices before reminding myself that the demographic of CEOs, senior management and trustee boards is predominantly straight white able-bodied cis men. I have committed to never making another formal complaint for this reason. It is just a waste of limited time and energy which I’d much rather spend doing literally anything else.

However, if we are to truly see their fancy equality, diversity and inclusion statements actually translate into real life then we must start to listen to, respect and include everyone and we must adopt an intersectional approach to address multiple barriers and inequalities. Zero tolerance should mean exactly that. We should be believed, not blamed. There needs to be action and consequences, allyship and accountability.

It should not fall to us to repeatedly echo the calls of generations of women for this much needed change. To quote world champion track and road cyclist Lizzie Deignan from Rouleur’s first (and very popular) women’s edition –

I’ve almost had to become an advocate for my sex, rather than just be a cyclist.

To always have to fight and be on alert is exhausting. Last week I thought I saw him. When I made my complaint, everyone guessed it was him. The man who criticised me for challenging his sexism, who played the victim, who falsely said that I threatened him, who has stayed silent, who is protected. I see him every single day, plastered across multiple social media accounts from being paraded round our local primary schools as an inspirational role model.

Now I am terrified that every middle aged white man I see could be him, or his boss or his colleague. I know this fear is irrational, but I am scared of what they represent – the innocent man. The man who loves his mother and sister and has a ‘black friend’. The man who will support his mate because it was just a joke. The man who cannot acknowledge his white male privilege because his life is really difficult. The man who is ‘open to learning’ but is still the victim. The man who will never show meaningful acknowledgement or remorse because he believes he hasn’t done anything wrong. The man who will behave like this again and who will get away with it again. Because the system lets them. Because they are the system.

I try my best to channel my dearly missed late Grandma’s advice to ‘take no notice of them’, but it is hard because men like him are everywhere and their behaviour is hurting us every day.

So for now I am taking a break from being a woman in cycling.

See you soon.

p.s Before the #notallmen crew come at me, I know it isn’t all of you and I am incredibly grateful for those few male allies who do stand up and condemn the above behaviour. But we urgently need more of you.